"Love Filled Journeys"

Dear Reader,

I started this blog as a way to reach out to others who have had a vision or goal and learn from them as they discuss how they've turned it into fruition.  While I have been rounding people up and setting up interviews and emailing out questionnaires to publish on the blog, I realized this has also turned into a place where I talk about my journey(s) through my life, the everyday and beyond.

I feel that everyday we take many different journeys, whether they be literal or figurative.  The journey to get to work, the journey to create a home filled with love, the journey to eat healthy, the journey through a break-up, a career change, a cancer diagnosis, death of a loved one.  I feel that some journeys are inherently awesome - like falling in love or starting that new job you worked really hard for, while others not so much.  My father is currently going through a journey with a rare lymphoma diagnosis and subsequent treatment.  However, I have found that no matter what journeys life presents me with I always have a choice.   To take the journey with love or with fear.

Two years ago I fell in love for the first time in my life.  I was living in South Florida and had already made plans to move back to New York to start my graduate degree.  I had a crush on an acquaintance of mine and told my friend.  She told me to ask him out but I argued with her using every excuse in the book.  The best one being, "what's the point - I'm moving to NY in six months".  My friend, ever the romantic and optimist, said "just do it, you never know".  That night I messaged him on Facebook because I was too scared to ask him out in person.  We started dating, fell in love and had a decision to make.  We could break up, I could forgo grad school and stay in Florida or we could try long-distance.  We went into it knowing the risks of long-distance relationships but also knowing it was the right thing for us at that point in time.  We choose to take that journey with love in our hearts instead of fear.  A little over a year and a half later I am almost finished with grad school and we are planning my move back down.

My boyfriend, Sean, and I on Christmas Eve 2013

When my father was diagnosed a few months ago I was petrified.  He was diagnosed with an incredibly rare, dangerous non-hodgkin lymphoma.  However, I am no stranger to cancer.  Eight years ago my mother had breast cancer.  At that time, I chose fear and avoidance.  I was young.  I stayed out all night partying with my friends and trying to numb my way through my mother's diagnosis.  I also felt like I understood breast cancer.  Tumor. Chemo. Recovery. (For those who are not too far progressed like my mother's - Thank God for early detection).  In knowing this, I felt like I just wanted to black out until she was fixed.  My dad's was not so clean-cut.  He was sick for months with blood tests coming back and doctor's trying to figure out what was going on.  Then one day I looked at him after an appointment and without him even telling me I knew something was wrong.  He was yellow.  The man who was my rock and constant looked so sick.  For days we waited to find out a diagnosis.  While torturous, I was fully present with my father and my family. The difference this time was I chose love over fear.  I was in constant touch with my parents and siblings, praying and reaching out to others for my own emotional health.  While my father is still going through treatment I am hopeful, my heart fills with love every time I speak with him because I realize how lucky I am.  At this moment in time I have my dad and I can be the daughter I wasn't a few years ago when my mom was sick.

My father and I (at 3 years old).

My father at Christmas this year with my dog, Tucker.

So, I've decided to rename the blog: "Love Filled Journeys".  Soon, I will be posting on my domain under "lovefilledjourneys.com".  However, while that is under construction here are the journeys I am

on and the features I am setting up for the blog and website.

My Current Love Filled Journeys:

12 Months of Self-Help/Inner Discoveries/Motivation and more! 

I've decided one of my journeys for this year was to read through a bunch of the books concerning personal development/inner discoveries/motivation I've had collecting dust by my bed.  I hate the word "self-help" I feel it implies our innate "self" is not good enough and that we must extract from the external to become better people.  However, what I love about this time we are in is I feel there is a new wave of awesome women and men who are working to help people tap into their own talents and innate gifts.  This wave of "personal-development" is really saying we are "enough" and we already have what it takes to create the lives we want, we just need to learn how to access the tools inside ourselves. I want to truly work through some of my blocks that are limiting me in doing things I love because of fear. The plan is to post about each book and the journey I take while reading the books and working through my blocks.
The four I have at the top are:
1. "The Desire Map" By Danielle LaPorte, discussed in my previous post: "Multi-tasking and The Desire Map"
2. "The Gift of Change" by Marianne Williamson
3. "The Generosity Plan: Sharing Your Time, Treasure and Talent to Shape the World" by Kathy LeMay
4. "May Cause Miracles" by Gabrielle Bernstein

  

Journey through "Yoga Teacher Training"

Yes!  I am currently half-way through my yoga teacher training with Lois Nesbitt of Blue Sky Yoga and Jessica Bellofatto owner of Kama Deva Yoga in East Hampton.  I will be posting updates from each of my training weekends and the progress I am making through my studies!

My Teachers: Lois Nesbitt and Jessica Bellofatto

Winter's Night Teacher Training Observations at Mandala Yoga in Amagansett, NY

Fear Files: 

As I said above I am working busting through my own blocks to conquer my fear and create more room for love and freedom in my life.  I grew up a fearful child.  I was insecure and always felt I didn't have enough or that I was enough.  While I have done a lot of work in the department of self-love, one of the things I still struggle with is my desire to fulfill my artistic side with music and performance while being deathly afraid of failing at something I love so much.  I am building a section called the "Fear Files" where I write down my list of fears and try to conquer them one by one.
The first two in my fear files are:
1. Take an acting class and report back - Signed up for March
2. Sing on stage - Signed up for a vocal course and am performing in May

Here is something from my "Fear Files" (singing again) that I though I'd put up now to get the ball rolling: please excuse any guitar mistakes!! (I taught myself the last 2 years:)

My other objective for the "Fear Files" are to have guest writers come on "The Squeaky Wheelchair", and have them recount stories of fears they have conquered through action.


Looking forward to the future with some amazing "love filled journeys!"

xx Mary

Posts of the Week

With our recent snowfall I have spent a lot of time indoors in the past 48 hours.  This gave me some leisure time to read a lot of articles, blogs and explore the web on life, yoga, health and well-being.   Here are my weeks favorites. To access them just click on the title!  Enjoy! 

From Mindbodygreen.com

1. "30 Things to Do Before You Die" by Shannon Kaiser

2.  "Life Lessons That are True at Any Age" by John Kim

From theperpetualvacation.com

1. "A Brief Guide to Living On Your Own Terms" by Marcella Chamorro

From Psychologytoday.com

1. "If You're Turning 30 and Freaking Out" by Jen Kim (an older post - but I found it and it totally resonated with where I am in in my life right now - awesome read!)

From Elephant Journal

1. "How to Achieve Wellbeing Through Meditation" by Adedayo Fashion

Multitasking and "The Desire Map"

I am a TERRIBLE multitasker.  My boyfriend, family and friends can all tell you that I am not someone who can sit at a table, hold a conversation with the person opposite of myself and text at the same time.  I lose focus easily if I am trying to accomplish on more then one thing at a time.

However, I am also someone who always has a million things going in my life at a given period.  I am naturally just the type of person who enjoys being busy and exploring different interests.  I don't like to be bored.  This creates a dilemma for myself.  How can I be involved in different things to fulfill my always hungry appetite for life while efficiently catering to the tasks I have in front of me?  

To answer that question; I've decided this year I wanted to create a goal for myself where I focus on one thing at a time.  To so many people this probably sounds silly.  Of course you can only focus on one thing at a time, that's not hard.  For me it is.  So while this goal does not mean I will only have one thing going on in my life at a time, it does mean that while I'm working on a task I will be present and not attending to something else simultaneously. 

This goal includes books I am reading.  At any given time I have about eight or nine books next to my bed, mostly yoga, self-help and crime novels.  In a given evening I will usually pick up three of these books.  My goal for this area of my life is to only read one book within one genre at a time, as well as sticking to one book a night.  

The inside of my bag packed for a two-hour
break this afternoon between yoga sessions.
Self-induced ADD much?

In the spirit of my search to uncover my dreams I have been paying attention to blogs concerned with job direction, spirituality and female-empowerment.  Within these blogs I recently started seeing the name Danielle LaPorte and I looked her up.  She seems like an awesome chick.  From what I've gathered she's a no-nonsense, empowerment warrior looking to help people find the direction of their dreams.  Forbes.com referred to her work as "Self-help meets marketing ninja". (Forbes, Forbes.com)

She created a book called "The Desire Map" and of course, I immediately ordered it on Amazon without even looking at what it "mapped" out.  I figured I "desire" to find my calling and I need a "map" to get me to there.  Boom. Done and Done.

Luckily, after making my impulse purchase, I looked further and the tagline on the cover read: "A Guide to Creating Goals with Soul".  As I've expressed earlier in this blog I am searching for ways to create goals within my life that will aid me in creating a career that I love.  

Underneath the tagline is two sentences that read: "Knowing how you want to feel is the most potent clarity you can have.  Generating those feelings is the most powerful thing you can do with your life." (Danielle LaPorte, "The Desire Map")

Genius.  Looking to create a life based on feelings rather then ideas.  I think.  SO to start off this resolution of focusing on one thing at a time - I am starting this book.  While I and go through this book I am putting down ALL other books (at least in the self-help, spiritual categories), and I will report back on my findings! 

To learn more about Danielle LaPorte and "The Desire Map" click here: Danielle LaPorte

Expectation is the root of all heartache

"Meditation practice isn't about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better. It's about befriending who we are already."   - Pema Chödrön

Dear Reader,

I started this blog intent on gaining insight and inspiration from others in hopes of uncovering a "career path" for myself.  Without trying to sound too "hippy-dippy" I do have faith, that eventually, if I trust in the universe and a God of my understanding this career path will reveal itself to me.  However, I also  I believe in the saying, "faith without works is dead."  I can pray and pray to find my path but I have to put in the work as well.

I am an inherently high-strung person with large bursts of energy and creativity followed by quick dips and exhaustion.  When I get fired up about a project there is no stopping me within that particular moment, however, I lose steam fast because I struggle to harness my energy and use it wisely.

Essentially, I'm all or nothing.

However,

One tool I have incorporated into my footwork has been meditation. Meditation is not something that is natural for me. One of the reasons I initially felt so uncomfortable with meditation was that I had to sit with myself for more then two minutes at a time without distraction.

As Pema Chodron noted above, meditation is a practice where we look within ourselves to find ourselves and then befriend the person we meet.  A few years ago I had no idea who that person was.

As a young child I was always slightly insecure and thrived on validation from others.  At nine years old we moved from one town on Long Island to another.  The towns were vastly different on both a socioeconomic standpoint as well as diversity.  In my old town I had a group of friends who liked doing the same activities I did, such as dance and girl scouts.  My new town, however, was a place that was more concerned with athletic ability.  It was quite clear that those who played sports were on the "in", and that was someplace I longed to be.  I joined activities in my primary school years that I had no interest in whatsoever; despite that I participated because I felt that if I was doing what "they" were doing, I would be part of something.  It was exhausting as year to year I followed others in search of using a "ready-made" personality, compliments of whomever I decided to emulate.

It wasn't until a personal crisis a year out of college I was forced to take a long, hard look at myself and discover who I really was and what I really wanted.  Using meditation as a tool to help alleviate my anxiety, I found initially, I struggled to sit with my own thoughts for longer then a few seconds.  As time went on however, it became easier to sit with myself, I craved the meditation and a break from the world.   If I am truly focusing on a meditation, then in that particular moment it means I am present, with no one else but myself, my spirit and a God of my understanding.  To create a life that I feel is "fulfilling", it is imperative that I be "present", because if I am not - I will come to that merry-go-round that says "the grass is always greener" or "tomorrow I will start …"

I have found that looking at my life right now is the same as looking at my meditation practice.  I need to let go of expectations.

In meditation, I feel that I should be able to sit for long periods of time and be completely in the moment.  Of course, that RARELY happens.  The best meditation practices for me are usually the ones I don't plan, because they lack expectation.  They are impromptu.  I don't think too much about trying to be in the moment with these, I just am, because at that point in time I need to be.  When I start to think too much about my future - my friends also help talk me off the ledge:)  I'm a strong believer in creating a network of support and taking care of relationships in my life.  They help  me remember there is more to life then just my own issues and expectations of myself.

Myself and two of my oldest and best friends, Kate and Courtney.

If I can let go of expectations for myself and feelings of "at this point in my life, I should be here…" I know I can accomplish so much more then I could ever expected.  After all…expectation is the root of all heartache.

Lois Nesbitt and Jessica Bellofatto 

I am currently in the middle of Sally Kempton's book "Meditation for the Love of It".  Sally is a spiritual teacher and her book was recommended by my yoga teachers Jessica Bellofatto and Lois Nesbitt who are currently guiding me through my 200hr yoga teacher training this year.  They rock, I included their websites below!   Although I have not met Sally, through her book and online guided meditations she makes meditation incredibly accessible.  I felt her website article: Take the Plunge! expresses how meditation and a yoga practice can guide us through life changing periods.  There are so many forms of meditation and not every practice is right for every person.  I am in no way an expert or even a novice which is why I included these links - but I am truly grateful to have the chance to work with my teachers on my practice through training.

I will be posting more on yoga and these awesome ladies soon!

For more on Jessica Bellofatto, Lois Nesbitt and Sally Kempton visit their sites:
Jessica Bellofatto Website
Lois Nesbitt Website 
Sally Kempton Website
Kama Deva Yoga - visit Jess or Lois for a class!

The Squeeky Wheelchair

This post makes so proud to be part of such an awesome family.  I grew up as the oldest of 13 cousins on my mother's side and 11 out of 13 of us are girls.  We are a group of loud, crazy and opinionated blondes. One VERY opinionated blonde is my cousin, Kathleen, who was born with cerebral palsy as well as a gift for the written word.  I asked her to write a post for me because Kathleen is the author of the blog titled "The Squeeky Wheelchair" and discusses, with incredible wit and humor, issues concerning the public and those with "disabilities."  In this post, Kathleen talks her about her quest in life to be of service to others and how she deals with the bumps along the road…   

All 13 cousins with Kathleen, front row center and myself, front row right.

Since I was born with cerebral palsy, I have been helped and taken care of for all of my life. People are used to

me needing help, and often people with disabilities are portrayed exclusively in the context of how they need to be assisted. More often than not, we are placed on the receiving end of volunteerism and giving. As I grew older, I realized that I too wanted to give to others, an idea that in the eyes of society is a strange role reversal. While I appreciate all the assistance that is given to me on a daily basis, it is frustrating to be viewed by others as someone who is always to be helped and never to do the helping. It is this attitude I believe that often leads to the exclusion of people with disabilities from organizations and systems that affect them… so many entities exist “about” us and  “for us” but how often does society highlight a person who has a disability’s capability to do, give, or be and not merely to receive others’ good? 

Kathleen Downes

I have known from an early age that I want to help people. Perhaps this comes from my experiences with all those who have helped me. Perhaps it’s just a part of my personality. I think it’s a little of both. Even though I use a wheelchair full-time and need a personal care assistant to even get out of my bed, I believe and always will believe that everyone can serve others. 

Kathleen and her twin sister, Claire

My quest to do just that has sometimes been met with uncertainty, skepticism, or flat out narrow-mindedness. When I pursue a volunteer or service opportunity, I still feel nervous sometimes to what I jokingly call “drop the bomb” because unfortunately, some people assume that a person like me can only be helped. The tone of surprise when I want to give something to the community rather than receive it is often downright frustrating. I’ve been politely told that “it would take a while to find something for you to do” due to the practice of summing up one’s ability to be of service based on how much she can move or use her hands.

 Sadly, I have even encountered this at organizations that do disability-related work, whose staff seem somewhat flummoxed at the thought of someone with a disability doing work that affects her rather than letting decisions be made about her demographic. If such people were thinking clearly, they would realize that hiring a disabled person in the disability services realm is simply increasing the expertise within the organization. 

Kathleen and her two sisters, Claire and Maggie

Despite the frustrations I’ve encountered, I still pursue my dream of going into the service professions. I want to have a career in disability services or social work, and to show other people that I belong on both the giving and receiving end of the world’s good, just like everyone else. Finding a role for me is sometimes more challenging given my physical impairments, but finding a meaningful role for me, and for anyone like me is not only possible, but worthwhile. It just takes some creativity, a property already essential to any great organization. 

I am fortunate that I have enjoyed a regular volunteer job at school, working at a childcare facility for kids in crisis. The skeptics out there would ask what I can do for children. I’m not strong enough to lift a child or even to change a diaper. But if that’s what society thinks loving a child is about, then our children have a bleak future ahead of them. I may not be able to lift them, but I can still talk to them, play with them, and teach them. I hope my presence is a lesson to them that everyone can give something. However, based on the extraordinary love they have shown me, I do not think children are the ones who need to be taught. Instead, I hope when they grow up, they will join a generation that knows everyone can serve. I am extremely grateful for the inclusivity extended to me at the nursery, and I hope one day, all entities will have the same attitude. 

Kathleen and our cousin, Cara at an Illinois/Michigan Game

We’re used to seeing the calls “to help people with disabilities”, to “do service for people with disabilities”, most of which are amazing, wonderful calls. But we want to help too. I refuse to accept that we can only exist in the context of those who are helped. Everyone can, and everyone should do something to better the community, because each of us is a part of it. To assume I am merely a person for whom life can be bettered is a terrible mistake.

For more visit: The Squeeky Wheelchair

Inspiration

in·spi·ra·tion

 noun \ˌin(t)-spə-ˈrā-shən, -(ˌ)spi-\

: something that makes someone want to do something or that gives someone an idea about what to do or create : a force or influence that inspires someone.

I am a person who loves to be inspired.  I was inspired to create this blog because I am at a turning point in my life.  In my late twenties I am realizing that I am not ready to settle for a life that I just enjoy.  I am looking for a way to combine my passions into a life-long journey and career. The first step in this journey involves people who have touched me in some way. I am asking them to share their stories to learn from their unique experience.

However, there is one person who is not around today that I wish I could introduce you to.  

​A woman who personified courage, strength and grace.  When I was twenty years old one of my mother's close friends passed away from breast cancer.  This woman, Lucia, was someone I always loved being around and I came to realize this is because she always inspired me. 

Lucia Terzi Bagan

Lucia lived at the east end of Long Island when she met her husband and married in her mid-thirties.  She

was full of life and loved by all who knew her.  Never one to sugarcoat, Lucia always ​called things as they were and was the type of person to get the job done, whatever it required.  I remember sitting in my parents kitchen complaining ​ to Lucia about about all the books I had to carry to class from my dorm room and Lucia's remark would be "I used to ride into the city every day from Long Island to go to school and I lugged all my photography equipment and bags with me, you'll live."  She was absolutely stunningly beautiful but also one tough mama.  

While breastfeeding her newborn daughter she discovered a lump and was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer shortly thereafter.  At the time she had her newborn daughter, Daniella, and her three year old son, Luciano.  After going through treatment and remission it reappeared again. In her last few months, as I have been told, she explained to her friends that they must go out and help those who were also affected by this disease.  Not just the ill, but their families as well, as she was thinking of her husband and two children at the

time.

Lucia and friends at hospice during her last days

Even in her last days she was thinking of others.  From this Lucia's Angels was born.  Lucia's Angels is a "foundation committed to helping women and families on Eastern Long Island with late-stage women’s cancers including breast cancer, ovarian cancer, cervical cancer and uterine cancer."   Her friends set up this foundation right after she passed.  The women of Lucia's Angels inspire me - I've never seen a group who gets things done the way these ladies do.  

Lucia's Angels board members at the opening of "Lucia's Room" in Southampton Hospital

These women are relentless when it comes to helping others.  To me an "inspiring" person or people are those who's actions go outside of themselves in order to serve the greater good, to lift people up when they themselves may even be down.  I realize each person has their own idea of what constitutes an "inspirational" person.  So what is yours? 

My brother, myself and my father at a 2-day walk.  Our team benefitted Lucia's Angels

Finding my way back..

Finding my way back..

Four years ago I created this blog during my second year out of college.  I called it "The Daily Climb" because at the time each day felt like an uphill battle.  I left New York City's Marymount Manhattan College armed with a B.A. in theater performance, a minor in musical theater and no idea what to do with myself.  I felt like all my other friends got this book that had instructions to life and I missed the boat.  While people I knew were entering entry-level jobs and paying their own rent I was sitting in my parents basement with my acting training and no idea what to do with it.

At 23 years old I was at an emotional and physical bottom.  I was severely depressed and living in my parents basement on Long Island.    My daily routine was to stay up until 3 am watching movies and television shows on repeat, wrestle with myself to actually climb into bed and was consistently waking up no earlier then noon the following day.  I was full of fear.  Fear of the world, success, failure, relationships, emotions; basically of moving into real life.  Being diagnosed at a young age with an anxiety disorder I used this as an excuse to arm myself again entering the "real" world.  I was incredibly insecure and felt I had nothing to offer.  While I grew up performing and loving the stage I never particularly loved the lifestyle that went with it.  I had a deep seated fear of rejection and in order to mask that and save myself the pain I would self-sabotage all the auditions I went on.  I would walk in the door already saying in my head that I had blown it and give a bad performance.  I was never surprised when I didn't get called back.  It was safe - I knew the outcome because it was rigged. I was so scared of the pain that would come with wanting something so badly and then not receiving it.  So I decided to not want things.  I decided to stay up all night, watching movies that had successful women in, making resolutions as I watched those movies that tomorrow would be different and I would get motivated, but it never happened.  It was a broken merry-go-round that I couldn't get off.  I felt like I was drowning, and since I couldn't figure out my life at that moment, I felt I had the credentials to give advice to others about their lives - the "those who can't do, teach" method, essentially the blind and confused attempting to lead the blind and confused.  How dare I.

Myself and my college voice teacher, Melissa Hart at my Senior Showcase at The York  Theater in NYC, May 2008

 Since that time four years ago I have done a lot of work on myself within the boundaries of my life.  I made a decision to learn about my anxiety, fears and motivators.    I became armed with information  about how and why I tick the way I do.  Then I took the advice a friend gave me to heart "Self-awareness without action is self-abuse."  I could continue down the destructive path I was leading or I could take the fork in the road.  I took the fork. I discovered new ways of dealing with my anxiety that did not include medication.  I took a long look at my "acting" career and realized while I loved the stage there were other ways I could incorporate it into my life at a later date, besides I wasn't making any progress and I wasn't happy.  I remember sitting with a friend one night and discussing an alternative career to performing and he said "but you belong onstage."  A few days later as I was sitting with my therapist I told her this and she replied "you may belong on stage, my dear, but right now it is toxic for you."  She was right.  I needed to take a step back. I knew I shouldn't discount the fact that I loved to sing on stage and be in front of an audience but at that moment in time I couldn't engage in that area of my life - later on I could come back to it when I was ready.

I took some time off from life.  I moved to Florida - I got a job as a receptionist at a Doctor's office and essentially took two years, from the time I was 24 to 26 to work on myself.  My day job wasn't something I was required to worry about or bring home at night.  I didn't sing but I missed it.  I did a lot of yoga.  I nurtured relationships that had been neglected, entirely on my behalf because I was lost in my own selfishness and pity that I didn't care to see that others wanted and needed me.  How many times during the day had I been thinking of myself?  All of them. I had missed years of my sister's life as she was in elementary school.  She wanted an older sister but I was so concerned and enmeshed in my own failures and depression I didn't give her the time she so badly needed.  My brother, who is close in age with me, was so angry because of the pain I had caused my family by my need to check out.  I had to be patient and see that all anger I held for him because of his anger came from no one else but myself.  I learned to take responsibility.  I became the daughter my parents said they knew was inside of me but was lost for a time.  I am present on a daily basis.

My boyfriend, Sean, and I on Christmas Eve 2013 in Westchester.

Now, after all the work I've done on myself I want to search for what I really want out of life.  I've got a lot of things that have manifested just by trusting the universe and doing the next right thing.  I have an amazing relationship with my family that I never before could have dreamed.  I have a boyfriend who I love with all my heart and in return loves me, respects me and supports me.  I have a job teaching preschoolers which I love going to each day.  However, there is still a hole I feel inside.   Anytime I catch sight of a performance whether big or small my heart aches a little.  So here is what I know: I get a high from helping others, especially women, that I've only ever felt performing, I love yoga and am going through my teacher training at the moment, I am working on my masters in Elementary Education and will be done within the next year, I taught myself guitar and am continuing to work on my skills, I am ready to figure out exactly how to harness all this together.  I know I am at the precipice of creating the life I love because I am no longer content in taking the safe route.  I am on the hunt for those who have been successful in creating a vision from their dreams and turning it into a reality.  I am on the search for my vision and will bring those who want to come along to gain advice from those who know.