Expectation is the root of all heartache

"Meditation practice isn't about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better. It's about befriending who we are already."   - Pema Chödrön

Dear Reader,

I started this blog intent on gaining insight and inspiration from others in hopes of uncovering a "career path" for myself.  Without trying to sound too "hippy-dippy" I do have faith, that eventually, if I trust in the universe and a God of my understanding this career path will reveal itself to me.  However, I also  I believe in the saying, "faith without works is dead."  I can pray and pray to find my path but I have to put in the work as well.

I am an inherently high-strung person with large bursts of energy and creativity followed by quick dips and exhaustion.  When I get fired up about a project there is no stopping me within that particular moment, however, I lose steam fast because I struggle to harness my energy and use it wisely.

Essentially, I'm all or nothing.

However,

One tool I have incorporated into my footwork has been meditation. Meditation is not something that is natural for me. One of the reasons I initially felt so uncomfortable with meditation was that I had to sit with myself for more then two minutes at a time without distraction.

As Pema Chodron noted above, meditation is a practice where we look within ourselves to find ourselves and then befriend the person we meet.  A few years ago I had no idea who that person was.

As a young child I was always slightly insecure and thrived on validation from others.  At nine years old we moved from one town on Long Island to another.  The towns were vastly different on both a socioeconomic standpoint as well as diversity.  In my old town I had a group of friends who liked doing the same activities I did, such as dance and girl scouts.  My new town, however, was a place that was more concerned with athletic ability.  It was quite clear that those who played sports were on the "in", and that was someplace I longed to be.  I joined activities in my primary school years that I had no interest in whatsoever; despite that I participated because I felt that if I was doing what "they" were doing, I would be part of something.  It was exhausting as year to year I followed others in search of using a "ready-made" personality, compliments of whomever I decided to emulate.

It wasn't until a personal crisis a year out of college I was forced to take a long, hard look at myself and discover who I really was and what I really wanted.  Using meditation as a tool to help alleviate my anxiety, I found initially, I struggled to sit with my own thoughts for longer then a few seconds.  As time went on however, it became easier to sit with myself, I craved the meditation and a break from the world.   If I am truly focusing on a meditation, then in that particular moment it means I am present, with no one else but myself, my spirit and a God of my understanding.  To create a life that I feel is "fulfilling", it is imperative that I be "present", because if I am not - I will come to that merry-go-round that says "the grass is always greener" or "tomorrow I will start …"

I have found that looking at my life right now is the same as looking at my meditation practice.  I need to let go of expectations.

In meditation, I feel that I should be able to sit for long periods of time and be completely in the moment.  Of course, that RARELY happens.  The best meditation practices for me are usually the ones I don't plan, because they lack expectation.  They are impromptu.  I don't think too much about trying to be in the moment with these, I just am, because at that point in time I need to be.  When I start to think too much about my future - my friends also help talk me off the ledge:)  I'm a strong believer in creating a network of support and taking care of relationships in my life.  They help  me remember there is more to life then just my own issues and expectations of myself.

Myself and two of my oldest and best friends, Kate and Courtney.

If I can let go of expectations for myself and feelings of "at this point in my life, I should be here…" I know I can accomplish so much more then I could ever expected.  After all…expectation is the root of all heartache.

Lois Nesbitt and Jessica Bellofatto 

I am currently in the middle of Sally Kempton's book "Meditation for the Love of It".  Sally is a spiritual teacher and her book was recommended by my yoga teachers Jessica Bellofatto and Lois Nesbitt who are currently guiding me through my 200hr yoga teacher training this year.  They rock, I included their websites below!   Although I have not met Sally, through her book and online guided meditations she makes meditation incredibly accessible.  I felt her website article: Take the Plunge! expresses how meditation and a yoga practice can guide us through life changing periods.  There are so many forms of meditation and not every practice is right for every person.  I am in no way an expert or even a novice which is why I included these links - but I am truly grateful to have the chance to work with my teachers on my practice through training.

I will be posting more on yoga and these awesome ladies soon!

For more on Jessica Bellofatto, Lois Nesbitt and Sally Kempton visit their sites:
Jessica Bellofatto Website
Lois Nesbitt Website 
Sally Kempton Website
Kama Deva Yoga - visit Jess or Lois for a class!